Summer's Gone

Summer is gone. I'm hoping to get in a little beach time tomorrow (not bad for November 3rd!), but this year has had so few beach days and it's really been a downer for me. One of my favorite things is lying on the sand nude, listening and watching the waves and feeling so at one with the world. I had a handful of those times this year. Perhaps a trip to Black's Beach in San Diego is in order for January.

**Update! I got to get in a beach day on November 3rd! I needed it badly. It was wonderful and I cherished the time out there. I collected some sand for my incense burner as I usually do at the start and beginning of the season. Just a beaustiful day to lay out nude by the ocean.


A lot has happened since my last entry, and I'm breaking this into two posts. I spent August learning and loving my SLK. I grew up in a sports car and motorcycle family. Blasting away has always been an escape for me, in my father's cars or my motorcycles. When I transitioned, I associated all of that as a very male behaviour and thus shunned it. That was cool for a while, but it's been 11 years since that big day, and I've since incorporated a few things from my old life back into "me" (my present life). A love of fine cars and driving "enthusiastically" is one of those things. Plus, I think a decent looking chick in a sports car or nice luxury car is always a hot thing. I've rediscovered for myself the power of a pair of nice legs in high heels getting out of a sports car and the effect and attention it draws. I love that.

Anyway, I've really embraced this aspect of my past and really love expressing it. For me, one of the best ways to clear my head is to take the onramp off of the Embarcadero and jet onto the freeway. I only get going up to 100 or 110 for a couple of miles and turn around, but that just totally clears me out. I love washing, waxing and taking care of my baby, but I do wish I had gotten the model with a larger engine and higher performance package. Anyway, it brings me so much joy and escape.

In August, I had a vacation with a special friend that was one of the most wonderful times I had. We went to Pebble Beach and stayed at a very exclusive resort. Pebble Beach itself is pretty exclusive. I felt so incredibly special and cared for. We then went to Carmel for a few days. A touch of flu didn't slow us down. I guess what was so perfect was that I felt so well rounded. We did extreme high brow and low brow. One night, I had the best (and probably the most expensive) dinner and wine I've ever had. Afterward on our way back to the inn, we stopped in for cocktails in Carmel"s only real dive bar. It all fit and my companion was just as comfortable with it as I. My "special friend" was just perfect and I had been looking forward to our getaway fro a long time. We had been through a lot but had broken through earlier and it was what I've been wanting

September was kind of slow. I didn't have a lot of fun, at least in comparison and work was pretty light. There weren't any real beach days and it's hard to keep up or compare after such a fantastic August.

-> Takinbg a shot of my butt in an airplane bathroom - boring flight

October is my birthday month. The last few years, it's been pretty ow key. However, this year I was lucky to have loved ones close by. I ended up celebrating for a week. I got a wonderful present from my "special friend" - a Windschott (windscreen for my car that reduces cockpit breeze with the top down). I hate so much good fish a sushi and even broke my usual diet for cake and ice cream. Lots of good sushi! A new place in the South Bay, my favorite in SF, Ozumo and then capped off with dinner and drinks at Aqua SF. We spent the night at SF's best hotels and I was flying. After an afternoon massage, I hung out at The Club Level enjoying sparkling wine, Chardonnay and some fruit. I was kind of surprised that they were playing alternative rock in the lounge. I would've expected classical or something a little more inline with the RC image, but it was cool. It was a fantastic birthday and I'm very grateful for everything.

Zoom, zoom

Thursday morning I had to pick up my car from the shop in the South Bay for a little warranty work. The late model MB sedan I had as a loaner was pretty nice, but not my baby. I met a very special friend for lunch and got him back into a better spot. That's such a wonderful thing to do and feeling when you can make someone laugh and start to see a sparkle come back in their eye. For a very special friend, it meant a lot to me.

I picked up my car and it was a perfect sunny northern California afternoon. I put the top down and hit the on ramp onto the freeway. Accelerating hard, the car sounds so good and it's running the best it has. I hit 280 heading north to SF and it was just magical. I was so in the moment. Here I was flying down the highway in a beautiful convertible sports car with the top down. I was in one of my favorite khaki very short mini skirts, a favorite form fitting blouse, my favorite pink sapphire necklace, my long blonde hair blowing easily in the wind... It was like I was watching a movie, it was so perfect. I was in the movie. I was smiling and laughing. I felt so good. Everything was so good. Life was so good. I was just as the woman I had so long wanted to be.

I flew by a Porsche Carrera, flashed my lights to free my lane and just cruised. I turn on the cd player and my Stones mix starts to play. "Rocks Off" is first. The song always makes me smile or laugh. It's such a good vibe. It's the first song O played in the car. Flying down the road... "(Doo, Doo, Doo) Heartbreaker" is next. Just flowing. "Hot Stuff" - damn, this feels so good. I'm passing everyone nd the car is so smooth between 80-100mph. I'm thrown back to being a kind again driving my Dad's sports cars. I guess there's a little testosterone left or maybe anyone would get the rush. I used to race motorcycles and just love the feeling of flowing at speed.

All is so well. I fly by a Vista Point that I wanted to stop at to gave some water and make a phone call. Passing by, I see a CHP car parked on the on ramp. Looking at the speedometer - I'm doing just over 100 mph. Damn, I just took traffic school in January. I kept going at speed. He let me go. It makes up for the bunk ticket I received in January. Karma is good. All is OK. I had such an on top of the world day.Later I hit the gym and I'm doing single leg squats with 200 lbs. for reps. All is wonderful.

<-Panty shot in the SLK, don't you wish you had a SUV?

Wooosh to Friday. I'm taking out the earring my parents gave mE a couple of years ago for my birthday, but on e of the post backs isn't coming off. I manage to pull the earring out, but the backing is still in my ear. I'm picking at it and starting to make a bloody mess. My knees are getting weak. I'm getting woozy. That damn piece of metal is trying to come out the fon t of my ear - the hole isn't made for that. In a panic, I call my my friend Bob. I explain the situation briefly and ask if he can help. Sure.

I get there and I'm overtaken by Bob's compassion. He gives me a warm hug and holds me. He's one of my dearest friends but this isn't a side I've seen of him. He knows me, as a friend and as a kinky person. He knows I can't take pain. I'm touched by his care and concern. A short but extremely painful time later, he's pulled the backing out. It hurt like Hell. I was close to passing out and had to put my head between my legs. I was trying to be cool. Finally, I got up and Bob held me. That was so good. That was what I needed. He took care of me. He's a wonderful person to me. One of the best.

This is what tops do. I tried to experiment with exploring my sub side, but I never found someone who I felt would act in the right way for things, just the way Bob did when he stepped up to the plate. Bob isn't a newbie to the scene and he's a gay leather top - we aren't compatible play partners, but he reminded me that I wasn't off in la-la land. He did the right thing, which is what I would've done. Not enough people get that.

What a week

One week and things can change radically; for better or for worse. For me,the last week was a windfall of wonderful things. My head's still spinning and getting wrapped around it. All good stuff but...

The big thing and cornerstone was an emotional breakthrough with someone. I don't know what else I can say about that as I don't have permission, but WOW - keep swimming in it. I'm here with you.

Next, I had a baby! It's a SLK 280 that I've lusted after for 10 years. Classy, sexy and sporty - just perfect. I took this photo the night I got it ad saw the setup while driving along the Embarcadero well after midnight. I used my purse camera and didn't set it up right, but I was flying.

The same day, my Flickr site broke 500,000 hits. Yikes! Anyway, that was a cool bonus.

This week, I had my first session for a Brazilian laser hair removal. I had my whole genital area, front and back done, except for the little patch strip that I currently have. What's significant about this is that I probably won't have SRS. I held off on doing this because I'd want some of the hair to cover the scars from the surgery. However, no suregery, then I might as well make it the way I want it. 5 mor so more treatments and I'm all done.

Accoutrements of Femininity

Last week I had a cosmic 2x4 hit me with insight into myself and who I've become. I had spent a good deal of time preparing the room, lighting and camera issues in order to shoot myself. i enjoy this. It's cool when you don't have an impatient model waiting for you :)

Finally, I had things set to where I felt comfortable to get things rolling. I had been nude when setting things up and it was time to don my outfit to shoot in. I put on my stockings and boots. Checking in the mirror, I had slight shift from looking at myself as "me" as I usually do, to looking at the model from a photographer's standpoint to see what I had to work with.

However subtle, it hit me with a cosmic 2x4. The stuff looked good. I was wearing it well. I noticed the work I've done on my legs and butt and how the stockings "looked right". The boots too. My skin had a slight sheen and looked smooth and tight. It wasn't like seeing it as fetish wear, but being able to appreciate how far I've gone and the work that I've done on myself. I felt a certain degree of pride and accomplishment. The years of hormones, the sweat and pain in the gym, the healthy lifestyle food choices... finally felt like it was paying off.

I'm working on getting the "X shape" or superhero look and have a way to go, but I've got to try to remember that feeling when I'm too tired to work out, or want a slice of pizza. The other thing is that I promised myself to buy more things that might not be practical, but that just look good as a sort of celebration or to reward myself for all of this. Busting my butt 24/7, there's got to be some time to enjoy it all. Balance.

Click, click

It was busy weekend with two photoshoots for my kink site. Friday night with my friend Brian, and Saturday night, a continuation of theme, but with me shooting myself.

More to come...

Fire Breath

OK, so who admits to wanting to take their photo in an airplane bathroom? Guilty (as she proudly raises her hand). Shot during heavy turbulence which knocked out most of the light, I wish I had gotten naked. Next flight! :)

What really tripped me up about this trip to Detroit is the conversation I had had with my grandmother before she went into a nursing home and later a hospital for a broken ankle. We had a deep talk about she had massaged me when I was a little kid. She went on about her playing music for me (I was a professional musician for a number of years). She told me of her doing yoga back in Germany while in her 30's (she's in her late 80's - that was radical back then). She described some of her breathing exercises which I instantly recognized as some of the ones I do from my Conscious Breathwork and Ipsalu Tantra training. This was a mindblower. I felt so connected to her. So much of her kind of clicked into place and made sense to me. I realized how close we were. We had a special bond when I was a child. I'll never forget the trips to the Detroit Art Museum or hanging out at Belle Isle. She always had time to spend with me. A flood of incredible memories flood me as I write. The tears are flowing. In a very safe way, I feel very connected.

She'll be OK. She's probably going to live with my parents or a nursing home close to them. She doesn't want to live alone anymore for fear of blacking out (how she broke her ankle) and not getting help. I'm sad because I'd love to stay with her, just me and her all to myself, but I understand. She knows I love her and I call everyday and will go back again soon unless she flies out to my parents.

I love her more than I can express with written words and I'm very proud of her and what she did for me. She thinks I'm a beautiful angel. Since I told her about my transition, she's always worried. After meeting me, she's not worried anymore. Thank goodness.

To lighten things up a bit, in June I was trying to park in the Lower Haight. I turn a corner and back into a space. A group of bicyclists ride past me. all nude. No biggie. However, I know people in other places just don't see this kind of thing, so I piull out the purse camera, get a quick snap and then off to buy a new scarf. San Francisco. My home.

Memory Motel

The second week of this month, I had to go to Detroit to see a sick relative. I hadn't been back to Detroit in over 17 years. I had never been as "me" (I transitioned almost 11 years ago). As a child, my memories about things not being right with me go back to about age 5. It's really important to me to revisit some of the places of my childhood where I had these intense feelings and go back now as things are right and sort of seal and close a chapter of such feelings. Couple that with my close relatives medical problems, as well as "meeting her as me" for the first time (and meeting an uncle too), it was a very heavy trip.

Arriving early on a Sunday, I visited he street I was born on, only to not be able to find the house amongst the empty fields from raized houses. I actually got scared on the street and took off before I could snap a photo. In contrast, I later lived in Grosse Pointe which is one of the preppy capitals of the world. Strangely, I felt very comfortable there, even though preppy is not a word I'd use to describe myself. One makes friends when wearing a chino skirt - as long as it's a mini :)

On a bittersweet note, I found my dream car in the right model, color, wheels and extras (Harman Kardon stereo!) at the right price. I cream when I think of this baby. I've literally cum when thinking about driving it. I think other's in SUV's or trucks and buses might appreciate my convertible too :)

The severe downside is that I'm having to try to quickly sell all of my pro photo equipment and camera to get $3500 I need for part of the downpayment. This is where I'm at right now and it really sucks. Photography is a longtime passion and my primary creative outlet. I also shoot professionally sometimes and really love it. I'm already freaking out about this but I don't have an alternative. The worst case scenario would be that I sell my gear at that price (almost 40% off of what they're worth used) and the car is sold out from under me. No car, no camera and sold at a great loss. Not good. Hopefully, I'll be my car and not hating myself for this.

Earlier this month, I did a photo shoot with John Tennler on Treasure Island. It was great to work with him and despite the cool SF July weather and strong island winds, we had a great shoot. There's a full gallery on my massage website. I'm excited to work with him again and our next shoot will be more racy :)

More soon to follow.

Njoy Recant

Some time ago, I made mention of my dissatisfaction with the Njoy butt plug. Geez, was I wrong!

Bored on a weekday night, I decided to give it another try. Slips in wonderfully smooth and the weight is nice to add to the experience. I've slept with it in and it's very comfortable for that. Perfect for wearing around town for errands :) My only issue is that I usually wear a g-string or thong and that tends to slip to one side of the plug's handle. Not a big deal, or forgoing panties all together remedies the situation. I love it so much I'm going to buy a larger size. This is definitely a great plug to check out if one is interested.

Update: I bought the medium size Njoy. It feels great, but now I wish I bought the large :(

Buzzkill

Mid May, another night in a suite at the Four Seasons Palo Alto. My friend had to leave in the evening so I had to occupy myself. Left with a good chardonnay and some toys, I made the best of being alone as one might imagine. I was incredibly horny and practiced loving myself in a very healthy but devious way. At some point though, I really wished I had someone with me and would've loved to have been ravaged and taken. Still, I made the best of the situation.


The bed's at the 4S are incredible and I hadn't slept so well since the last time I was there. My futon has lacked since day one. They sell the mattresses and box springs but they are almost $3000. I woke up feeling extremely horny; I guess I hadn't played myself out completely or I was just riding an erotic wave. I woke wrapped in an incredible comforter and really noticed how wonder the bed felt and I in it. Turning over, I dragged myself against the bed, drawing my body across it like a snake. It was so good. A quick snap with the camera left next to the bed (the shot above). The sun was glowing in through the curtains, it was warm, I was surrounded in white, my skin looked very tan and all was wonderful. I was totally in the moment.

I took stock of everything and was very grateful. Everything was just as I could want... if I had had someone there with me. Beyond that, I was very cognizant of my surroundings and of myself. I appreciated me for me. I was so high - I was blissed. I'm thinking back now to how I felt and I can still see or feel it like a footprint in the sand, but I can't really put to words that moment. Blissed - that's the best I can do. I wish that was every morning, every moment. I decided that this is the way I want to feel and I need to do what I must to feel this way. This was better than any drug or anything outside could make me feel. It was a crucial moment and I'm still learning from it.


Eventually, I made it out of bed and took a luxurious shower. I love rain shower heads and the shower also had a removable wash head :) I put it to good use. I don't have the water pressure in my place to have one work effectively. I love the character of my Victorian San Francisco flat, but an opulent bathroom it doesn't have, and it's something I've always loved.

I ended up loving myself again on the floor and continued in the shower. I came violently hard as I quenched my morning horniness. I remember fantasizing about being taken in the shower

After finally getting myself somewhat together, I had breakfast of a protein shake and the fresh fruit platter. My friend had instructed me to order room service and I would've loved the egg white omelette with spinach, tomato and mozarella, but eating fruit for breakfast leaves me feeling light and energetic. I had two 1.5 hour massage clients booked for the afternoon and didn't want to feel heavy. As I stared out the window to the law firm across the way, I caught the eye of a young guy in what I assume was his office. He was staring directly back at me. I didn't know how much he could see of me through the light curtains and I didn't care. I ate my breakfast just watching him and wondering what he was thinking. When I was finished, I got up very slowly and "may have" brushed the curtain open a bit.

I finally get it together and check out. While walking through the lobby, another woman walks out with me. We're both pulling out luggage, she's in a blouse and pants and I'm in one of my favorite dresses. She looks classy and refined. I'm feeling good as I'm holding my own with her in my own way and style.

("I'm going to count backwards from 10. When I reach 1, you'll be fully awake and out of your state of bliss.")

As we reach the parking lot, she gets into a late model white Mercedes. I walk up to my old VW.

"10, 9... "

I open the trunk and put my things in. I walk over to the door ad the remote lock isn't working.

"8... "

OK, so I fiddle with it. It's not working. I'm afraid to use the key as it doesn't turn and I don't want to break it off in the lock.

"7... "

I start to dig for my AAA card when I realize the trunk opens.

"6... "

I wait until Ms. Mercedes has left the lot, and then walk to the back of my car. I open the hatchback, take a scan around to make sure no one is around and proceed to crawl through the trunk of my car.

"5, 4, 321! Boom!"

All of the bliss of my morning is gone. I'm lower than before. I feel embarrassed, dropped down, silly and upset all at once. I make a decision.

Car starts and I sheepishly leave the lot. Damn.

Red Thigh High Boots

I picked the second worst day of the year to go to Pierre Silber's in Santa Clara and shop for boots in a store made of corrugated steel. I had a photoshoot coming up with my friend "B" and wanted something new and fun. They are the red thigh highs on here. The ends justify the means and I ordered a pair in white online. The other pair I bought that day will surface in an upcoming shoot. Later that night, we got out of the freezing cold and wind and shot a bit at my place. I put my favorite black stiletto boots and felt "right" again. I wish I could buy more of that pair, but they aren't available anymore,. Any leads to quality black leather 4" stiletto heel boots in a wide-ish width are really appreciated.

It all comes down to the breath. I keep seeing this in so many paths and teachings that I study. Recently, I started to read "Urban Tantra" by Barbara Carrellas. In the foreword, it's mentioned that she taught and did seminars with Chester Mainard. Chester was my first massage teacher. "Teacher" isn't quite adequate to describe what Chester was to me. It was also far beyond massage.

The first thing I learned from Chester was breathing. The breathe is simple. It's also our most vital function. In "The Enlightened Sex Manual", David Deida writes, "Love's light wants to express ourselves through our bodies. But even though our deepest self want's to open and live as love, our superficial self is afraid. So we hold back the spontaneous and powerful expression of love flowing through our bodies. We do this primarily by suppressing our breath.

Breath is the way our bodies make love with God (or our higher selves, the supreme being, "Light", etc... whatever you believe in - OS). When we are willing to be love, then we are willing to breathe love."

Back to Chester and the breath. The technique he first taught me in our class was the Anal Breath. Yeah, all kinds of jokes come to mind. However, it's a cornerstone of my massage practice, and many other facets of my life.

Next post, how to do Anal Breathing.

"Autonomy"

Main Entry:
au·ton·o·my
Pronunciation:
\-mē\
Function:
noun
Inflected Form(s):
plural au·ton·o·mies
Date:
circa 1623

1: the quality or state of being self-governing ; especially : the right of self-government
2: self-directing freedom and especially moral independence
3: Fantastic song by The Buzzcocks

It's really weird to hear songs on my iPod at the gym that I haven't heard in 15 to 20 years. I think about my life as it was the last time I heard them and compare to how my life is bnow, at this moment. Waaaaayyyyy different. That's good. What's really weirds is that I can hear how certain bands influenced me musically and I never saw the connections before (I was a professional musician and made records, videos, toured, etc... in a very loud band on a very prestigious record label - that was a very different life). I'm having profound moments listening to Peter and the Test Tube Babies' "The Mating Sounds of South American Frogs" while doing barbell lunges with my ass hanging out of my short shorts at the gym (and loving it). It's really very weird, almost like a deja vu experience - like it was someone else's life or a movie. I am not complaining, all is as it should be and I'm very happy.



After a spell of not being very social, I seem to have broken out of that phase. A couple of weeks ago, I met a few people at the Porn Emporium (the Armory in the Mission now owned by Kink.com) and then headed off to my first Kinky Salon. Kinky Salon is a sex positive, creative in dress/style/flavor, hangout, party/scene. DJ's spinning, BYOB bar, crazy people all bumping along on Mission St. until the sun starts up. The theme was Space 2069 and I wore a neoprene open cup bra, black g-string and black 4" heel knee high boots - nothing else. I had a great time@! I felt like I was back in Boston again. I ran into a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a long tome, partied, danced, played and just had a great time.

The next weekend, I hung out at the Citadel and even got up on a cross for my friend Randy. Very cool, but I'm not going to call myself a switch just yet. Last weekend was more hanging out at the Citadel and a few hotel bars - my kind of a weekend. I celebrated Easter a day late with my special friend J. He treated us to a suite at the Four Seasons (photo above), complete with two bottles of my favorite Chardonnay (Lewis 2007) waiting on ice as we walked in. Awesome day and night. I slipped in the outdoor whirlpool in the morning, but we had crazy winds and I couldn't stay in long. A truck was knocked over on a nearby bridge it was so fierce. Anyway, I felt like fantastic and had such a wonderful time. Everything was great. I felt like who I've always envisioned myself to be. Thanks Mac.

I hit over 400K hits on my Flickr page, which is very cool. Still having trouble finding good photographers to do more with. I have my second video almost ready and waiting for David my cameraman to get back and do some more. Stuff still going on to make my massage temple workable for my pro domme sessions, but it's all coming together. Whew.

I Need A Beach Day

I still have the "Monday Blues" that i had when I was a kid. Monday's have always been slow work days so I kind of drag my heels a bit. I don't work out at the gym very hard because of having to do my shot later on. I don't want to stir up any "funky" hormones before the estrogen. Most of the day I have doing it (the shot) on my mind and it makes it a little tough to focus on things because of it. Post shot, it's wonderful. I don't know if it's psychosomatic or physical, but the world is better. I can't describe, but everything feels just as it should (and as it is).

A great Monday is to get up early, do the darn shot and then head off to Baker Beach. I can take a little nap, enjoy the sun and just be at one with nature. Laying in the sun nude with the sound of the waves... aahhh. For me, it's an intense closeness I feel with the world and everything around me. It's a glimpse of oneism. If I close my eyes, I can hear the blood moving through my veins and the pound of the surf. I can feel the sun enveloping my body in a soothing caress. It's a moment of pure eros. It transforms. I want to feel that all of the time. Meditiation helps.


On a much more superficial level, I didn't get to experience that in Boston. I was a naturist back then too. I was a member of a club and we had a few beach days during the summer. We had a section of sand that we had to build cloth walls so we could take our swimsuits off. Then to go in the water, we'd put them back on and once sufficiently deep enough, we could take them off and attach them to these floats that would buoy about and give us our freedom from our clothes. Yeah, "freedom".

Now, I'm about 20 minutes from my front door in the middle of San Francisco to the sand at Baker. That's an amazing thing! I miss it. I love San Francisco.

Page & Steiner

I'm editing myself, perhaps "censor" is the proper term. That's where all the words went :)

I've decided that I'm going to change direction here, or rather, take a direction and have this coincide more with my personal life and beliefs: to define in one sentence, to intertine the spiritual and the sexual paths.

(A brief reprise to the old... ) Fresh after an estrogen shot, I have an insatiable hunger for the following 24 - 36 hours. I do my shot on Monday. After dinner, I've since eaten a whole pineapple, a big chuck of fat free mozzarella, pretzels (my "clean eating" cheat food), a big helping of fat free cottage cheese, , 8 peeled organic baby carrots, a piece of smoked salmon and an apple. This is in the last 3 hours ;)

"She Sells Sanctuary"

Back "in the day", I would've been thrilled to have a girlfriend who'd let her skirt get hiked up while she drove. That seems like a fun chick to me ;)

Sometimes I look back and I question my sexuality (notice, I did not say gender) and motivations pre-transition. I dated women exclusively. I wonder if I really loved some of these women or if I loved some of the things about them. I wonder if I loved them or if I wanted to be them? Geez, thinking about that, I might've been a really terrible boyfriend. I know I wasn't. If anything, I maybe gave too much, which is not always welcome or proper. Looking back, it seems like I've grown into or possess certain traits and qualities that some of the women I dated had in common. Was that maybe some weird mirroring of something I had inside? Was I seeking some way of experiencing something I couldn't experience while living as that gender?

It's been over 10 years since I transitioned and became legally me. 11 or 12 years of estrogen and it makes remembering back pretty hazy. It's kind of funny in that one would think that I would have a better understanding of men than most genetic women, but it's not true. I think a lot of it was that I wasn't a "typical guy", even back then, because I knew of my "problem" back at 6 or 7. As I'm writing and thinking about this, I'm really surprised I'm not a lesbian.

"Till the Next Goodbye"

Yep, the title is ripped from the Stones song, but seems appropriate. In the last two months, I've ripped up two of my favorite (short) skirts. This is really a bummer. but fortunately warm weather is coming soon and I can hope to find some new favorites.

The title comes from the Rolling Stones "It's Only Rock and Roll" album. I love that period of the band, along with "Sticky Fingers" and Exile on Main Street", even though I was never really a Stones fan. I know that they were pretty messed up with drugs and the excesses of the 70's. I can hear the looseness in the music and I identify with that, having been a professional musician (but never a junky!). I like Aerosmith from that same period. One of my guitar idols was Johnny Thunders, who was never quite the same for those few moments of being clean. This works a lot better with "on the top" musicians such as guitarists and horn players. It doesn't work well with musicians that need to hold a groove (ie. drummers and bassists, one of the reasons for the demise of the Clash was Topper Headon's heroin problem, you can't have a drummer playing too much with time).

Other people feel the same way about this little quirk in music. I think that there's a certain point where drugs allow one to bypass the Id in certain situations and let inspiration, creativity, energy, etc... flow uninterrupted. Obviously it doesn't happen all of the time and it can't last forever, but it's pretty close to some pursuits of some people's spirituality. Well, at least mine. When I wrote my best music or had my best performances, it was like there was something else doing it all. Things just flowed, and it was effortless. If there was any effort, it was to ensure that I didn't get in the way of myself and whatever magic was happening. That felt so good and was better than any high. It happens sometimes in my massage work. It's music, it's a dance and I have no mind directing it, it's just going and I'm blissed to be with it. I think that's what enlightenment must feel like. I love it and I want more of it.

Use It Or Lose It

A year and a half ago, a good friend named John gave me a beautiful cashmere sweater. I saved it waiting for the right occasion. Last night, I wore it for the first time to dinner with another good friend named John. Tonight when putting it away, I noticed two moth holes in back. I'm mortified that I wore it out. After that sets in, remorse bout not wearing it sets in. The old cliche about the "sweater in the closet that one saves for that special time" really came true. I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore, but I failed on that. I'm upset with myself for repeatedly doing this over and over, even though I make a conscious effort not to.

I don't know whether it comes from a fear of not having things that I cherish or enjoy or it has to do with holding onto the memory and the moment. If it's the latter, then it's really silly. If it's the former, I still wear a pair of red Converse Chuck Taylors from 7 years ago for fear of not being able to afford new ones (really silly).

OK, gratuitous porn for having put you through reading that ;)

Tonight I broke another darn tea cup. I'm really into a company called Jenaer that makes glassware in Germany. Actually, the glass is made by Schott, which is the company that produces glass for B+W filters, which I use on all of my lenses. I've got a thing for stuff made in Germany. After discovering the moth holes in my sweater, I pulled down something in a kitchen cabinet which slammed my last Jenaer teacup onto my kitchen floor. Not an insurmountable loss, as I ordered two more cups and saucers, but just bummed me out. They are one of those little things that I really enjoy and am proud to serve tea to my guests with.

"Not Skinny" Arms

For a long time, I really wanted to be thin and waif like. However, that's just not me. That's not my body type. I remember becoming concerned when I started do massage therapy that I'd be building up more. I decided not to buy another motorcycle because I didn't want the extra shoulder girth from riding.

One evening in Diva's, I meet a young Brazilian bodybuilder who was flipping out over my arms. He was really turned on that I had some muscle and definition. It freaked me out as that was not something I wanted to hear. Somehow I got over over it.

(By the way, this frame grab is the only photo on here not taken by me or of me) Fast forward to about a year ago. A friend who's pretty kinky and is into latex clothing gave me a couple of dvds to watch. "The Ivy Manor" was the first one I watched. When this scene came on, I finally "saw" a little into what the Brazilian guy was picking up on. I thought this latex nurse was so cool as she's clearly very feminine, yet she has some decent muscle on her arms. That tweaked my perception of how I see or define femininity.

Going a step further, I think transsexuals (or transsexuality in general) can challenge people to redefine what they consider or define to be erotic. At it's best, it can make one question what is gender and what is sex. Personally, I don't define gender by such a hardline rule as body parts. For one, they're too easily reconfigured and secondly, I think we're in a lot of trouble if we must first see someone naked to make a call as to whether that person is a man or woman. I know my opinion is probably not a popular one. I have a little more experience in this matter than many people ;)

Back to defining eroticism: one sees for what all purposes is a beautiful woman, but then between her legs, there's something in congruent. If someone gets turned on by that, it can make someone question just "what they are". Does this make them gay? They may be into genetic woman, yet this is hot - what does that say about themselves? What does it say about attraction.

Interestingly, I often see genetic woman porn mixed in with TS porn (on XXX forums, Flickr photostreams, etc... ). That in itself says something about the orientation of the viewrs, not that it makes a difference or is any of my business. I believe much of mainstream America believes an interest in TS woman means a guy must be gay, but this and other things lead me to contradict that.

This isn't one of my most eloquent moments. Fortunately, I can come back and edit this when the words are flowing. I found the disc and felt the need to write and address a few of these ideas. I'm curious as to what others think about this.

Slow Start

My first week of the new year was spent on the couch with the flu that's going around. I'm getting caught up with everything, but still kind of behind. I'm looking forward to Saturday night and letting my hair down for the first time in a while. I'm really psyched to be moving with a number of video projects that I've had in mind for sometime. I'm anxious to do some still photo shoots later in the month. Psychologically, I'd like to get in a couple weeks of work-outs, but I may just have to get rolling with things.

Damn, I wish I was back in Big Sur. A couple of nights at the Post Ranch Inn would do me a world of good.

01.03.09

My 2009 is off to a yucky start. New Year's Eve has been a night I really let go on. I've done so for the last few years. This year, I came back from Christmas on the other coast with a bad cold. I ran myself down taking care of errands for a couple of days instead of taking care of myself like I should've.

I'm writing on a Saturday night as I'm still not 100%. Aside from the stores, the city seems kind of quiet so it's probably not a great weekend to go out. I'm probably not missing much (I tell myself). I'm feeling worse about missing the gym time. I didn't get in any real workouts XMas week. As tempting as it sort of was, I didn't blow my healthy lifestyle out of the water with sweets and chocolate. The hardest part of having a cold was being able to only read about fitness while I laid down and blew my nose. I was so bored I almost set about plucking what little pubic hair I have left to go completely bare with tweezers (I shave and tweeze the little patch I maintain daily down there). Next weekend I'm going to have some fun. I'm already trying to figure out what to wear and where.

I don't make New Year's resolutions because I always have goals and a check list of things I want to do. Compared to last year, I think I did what I wanted to for the most part. I'm proud of myself in that I usually achieve what I say I'm going to do.

A couple of weeks ago, I was determined to bring home a new palm. One of my best friends, Bob, was gracious enough to pull out just about every damn palm in the store so we could find the best one. I found one for more than I wanted to spend, but that was it. Palms don't do too well in massage room. There isn't a lot of light and the incense probably chokes them up a bit.

I'm kind of excited to be moving ahead with some video projects that have been simmering. Lining up shooters is still problematic but I'll handle all of the pre and post production myself. I'll probably starting editing in FCP on my MacBook Pro. I'd rather not, but I have my old PC Avid system to fall back on for DV25 res stuff.

Time for a hot toddy.

301,413

I hit over 300,000 views in my Flickr page today, which I thought was pretty cool. I also had some really great comments written about my work on a review site. No work today though which was a bummer. I had a "No Show" which is very rare for me. This is usually a slow time for massage therapists - right before Christmas, and this year, money is particularly tight. Still, I'm booking for the rest of the week.

41 degrees right now. Another cold night in SF. My massage room has a fantastic heater - another night I'm spending in there. Thank goodness for WiFi.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sfolivia/

A Week in Big Sur

I spent the first week of December in Big Sur, going to the Esalen Institute for a Deep Tissue massage workshop. It was my first time down there and I've been wanting to make the trip for some time. I've put it off because it's the type of thing that's best done with a boyfriend. I thought it would be kind of lonely at times being in such a romantic place. I was right, but I had a wonderful time nonetheless.

The Esalen Institute was a trip. I was expecting something a little bit different. It's very communal and I've never really experienced that before. Wisely, I stayed off site. I would've gone crazy if I had been immersed in it 24/7. My motel was really nice with WiFi, yoga mats, a huge slate shower and a gas fireplace. Very modern yet rustic at the same time. I'll go back again. I enjoyed the mineral baths on the first day at Esalen, but after looking at some of the other bathers, decided that I didn't go for sharing the same water, mineral content or not. Still, on the first night, I had a bath all to myself, looking out over a bright moon reflecting on the ocean - breathtaking. I also loved the shower that they had there. Overhanging the rocks of the cliff, as you're above the ocean. It was just such an incredible feeling to be a part of everything. It was also incredibly erotic. I would've loved to enjoy it with someone.


For an open minded place as it likes to think of itself, I still managed to shake up a few people. Everyday was sunny and warm and I laid out on the massage tables sunning. Everyone was nude in the area, so of course I was too. People just aren't expecting incongruencies in someones genitals and their gender.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. I'm spiritually recharged, I learned some great massage tools and had a great break from the city. I had a lot of time to think and feel more focused on my path from the experience.


Driving back, I couldn't resist the opportunity to take a few nudes along the coastline on Pacific Coast Highway. An advantage to being alone was that I stopped at every point that I wanted to. I saw this one particular spot with a sign marking "Coastal Access". I parked, climbed a good distance through brush and scraggly stuff in a tanktop, miniskirt and flipflops to finally climb down some rocks and reach the coast. I got naked right away and started setting up the camera. I became really paranoid though, because my purse with my wallet and phone, my MacBook Pro, my clothes, etc... were all in my trunk. I feared someone may pullover, break a window and steal my stuff. Worse yet, they could walk down and discover me naked playing along the rocks - probably not cool. So I got a few frames and decided to get back on the road. I still had fun and got a few good shots.

I did have a fantasy come to mind as I was driving along those breathtaking views. If I can get over the embarrassment, I'll put it on here ;)

Goodies from Vanuatu

I think it's good to have a little bit of a stash for the things the are vital to us. Today a 13 week backup combo (injectible and oral) of estrogen arrived from Vanuatu. I give myself a shot of estrogen every Monday. I go into my butt. I've always been very fearful of needles so it's incredibly hard for me to do. Plus, the needle is 1.5" - that seems pretty damn big when you're pointing it at your cheek. I think injecting it has had better effects for me, that any other way of dosing. The Estrafem tablets are second best. I was on Premarin for a couple of years and it was not a good thing for me. I ended up switching doctors and then was put back on the injections. Anyway, I usually take myself out for sushi as a reward.

Prometrium is a progesterone that possibly helps with breast and/or nipple development. I'll take it for about 10 days a month once in a while. Most transsexuals don't take it but I seem to think it helped me. I figured since I was placing the order, why not toss it in for fun.

This represents about a years's worth of needles. I really like how it turned out and titled it "Guns On The Roof". I pulled thses out of a sharp's container that I use. The drops of estrogen running down a few of them is kind of eerie. I showed this in a photography class and didn't give a full explanation:

Emerald Hills of the Peninsula

A beautiful warm and sunny October day in Northern California. This was shot on my way home this afternoon. I love this state, even as the well runs dry and we become bankrupt at the end of the month (says Arnold). Today, I got to lay out by an acquaintance's pool in Redwood City. It's so nice to be able to go in for a dip, have a cool glass of wine and have the comforts like a nice and clean bathroom. I love nude beaches though and would never stop going but I really love laying out poolside. I hope to get a day at Baker later this week. It's still a happy day laying out nude at the beach.

Folsom Sunday

Pink Truck? Pink Suck. I've never poured out a bottle of wine after one sip, but there's a first time for everything. This is from a woman who had been drinking "Two Buck Chuck" and liking it for a couple of years. Blaahhh!

Today was Folsom Sunday, my official end of Summer. Fortunately, in SF, we still get a few warm days in October so my days nude in the sun at Baker Beach aren't over for 2008 yet. I wasn't into FSF this year as a friend I was going to go with bailed on me at the last moment. Rather than feel like crap about it, I went by myself. I think I pissed off the wife of the corner store owner on my way down. She looked at me in my cut off tank top and ultra short mini skirt like I was a tart. I did look like a tart for the walk down to the fair, but I was pretty tame for Folsom once I got there. I did loose the shirt and display my black leather bra clad breasts proudly.

I was a little tipsy by the time I got there, but was definitely in the spirit of things. I headed over to the 12th St. stage as Von Iva had just started and were amazing as usual. They finished the set with a cover of "Hot Stuff" that sounded like they wrote it. I think they're going to be big if they have their management is on top of it.

I walked around a bit afterward and it seemed like this year wasn't as packed with people like last year. Sign of the economic downfall? Getting more buzzed as time went by, I decided to head back to the 12th St. stage for The English Beat. Their first album was big with a lot of my friends way back when. It was a trip to hear them play songs off that album as the memories came back and contrasted with today. Good stuff and I was very happy that I came to the Fair.

I didn't bring my DSLR to shoot the bands this year and it was kind of nice to not have a camera hanging around my neck and getting in the way. I did laugh at the geeks with the mega zooms shooting stuff as I know they were only getting nostrils. I saw one guy with a Leica and asked if it was an M8. It wasn't, but he was impressed that I knew what it was.

Walking home, I wasn't very conscious that rest of the city wasn't Folsom Street Fair-savvy. Oops... but this is San Francisco and that's one of the many reasons why I love this city.

A Wonderful late September Day

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Originally uploaded by Olivia Severine

Today was a fantastic day. I had a massage client this morning, made it out to Baker to catch a couple hours of sun nude, into the gym for a killer ass and legs workout, then home for a salmon dinner. I'm trying to puta little more mass on my butt. It's tingling so I know I worked it hard today.

It'd be nice to have someone here on the couch with me and a good movie, but it was still a wonderful day. I love California.

Wild In The Streets

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Originally uploaded by Olivia Severine

I got the chance to do another shoot with Brian last week. We had lots of fun over in Golden Gate Park, but my favorite shots were done later near Civic Center in the city. I only wish it wasn't so damn cold at that time, otherwise I could've "enjoyed myself" a bit more ;-)

Steinhart parking garage @ Golden Gate Park

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Originally uploaded by Olivia Severine

Still Turned On

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Originally uploaded by Olivia Severine

I was still turned on from the shoot even early next morning. What was I to do? ;-)

Summer's Gone

Just before Labor Day, we had a few warm days. I got in a few at the beach and was very happy about that. Right after Labor Day, it cools off. Summer is gone. I have no idea where it went. My Big Sur excursion never happened due to the evacuation of the community from the fires. This summer went by too fast. I'm not ready for Fall and am thinking of a trip to somewhere warm and with nude beaches. San Diego and Black's Beach? Not much to do there for fun in the evenings but I haven't been back since I left 11 years ago.

There's a thought of going to LA for a day or two afterward and that may be a plan. There's a photographer there that I'd like to have a shoot with and I don't think 've ever been to Peanuts. Perhaps I'll appreciate SF just a little bit more after that.

With September comes a new symphony and opera season. I've had no luck in dating a man who's into them which is a bummer. I don't like going alone, but it's better than not going. Dinner before at the Hayes Valley Grill and stop at Absinthe on the walk home for a drink.

New Toys

Last Friday I picked up a couple of new toys. I had read great things about the Njoy plug and thought the weight might be fun. I think it weighs about a pound. I almost left without picking up a Bootie too. It seemed cute and fun.

The Njoy wasn't what I had hoped. It was said to be comfortable for sitting, but I didn't find it to be so. Plus, being steel, it's rigidity wasn't the most comfortable to me. Still it's nice along with my new bikini.

The Bootie was a surprise. After spending Sunday at a friend's pool in Sacto, I came home and gave it a try. I wore it all night it was so comfortable... we have a winner. It's definitely a great "wearable" plug. Love it.